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on September 20, 2007 at 9:09:59 am
 

Mustaches of the Nineteenth Century

 

Glossary of specialized terminology

 

 

Battle Mustache

A mustache designed for war; also mustaches grown in anticipation of war. (War'stache vulg.)

 

Barelipped

A poor unfortunate who does not or cannot have a mustache; depending on context this is a term of derision or pity.

 

Beard-fancy

The initial stage of the mistake of growing a beard. It is a precipice that can be backed away from.

 

Beardism

The vile preference of raggedy beards over the clean and sublime mustache.

 

Business Mustache

The work-a-day mustache for both the working class and decent gentlemen.

 

Comb

A gathering of three or more mustaches where the mustachioed outnumber the barelipped by at least two to one.

 

Closed Loop

An under- or overhand twist that it loops back into the mustache itself.

 

Faceshelf

A beard and sideburn combination grown together into a single line of whiskers. An advanced form of mustachery that should only be attempted by an adept of the art. Also known as The Chester A. Arthur after the 21st President of these United States.

 

Facespanner

An impressive form of the Handlebar that stretches the width of the face.

 

Fletcherism

A cult whose members practice eating habits that can bring about a mustache wasting disease.

 

Oh, fiddle'stache!

An exclamation meant to convey that the utterer considers the subject in question to be balderdash or poppycock.

 

Handlebar

A mustache grown to have long sides that is held rigid by wax or other products to keep it from dropping below the mouth. Term originated amoung shocked travelers who were gravely assaulted when natives mistook their faces for bicycles.

 

North American Hook-beaked Mustache Swallow

A horrible creature that attacked gentlemen's mustaches in order to line their nests. Thought to be thankfully extinct.

 

Moustache

Foreign variant of mustache. Primarily used in opium dens and other houses of ill-repute where no gentlemanly facial hair would ever find itself.

 

Overhand Twist

The twisted end of a handlebar mustache that curves upward toward the eyes.

 

Philtrum

The grooved space under the nose that divides the sides of the mustache. While it contributes little hair to the mustache, it often can provide much of its character. Susceptible to brusing and can chafe when tight.

 

 

The Nietzsche

A mustache that extends below the lower lip. (Soupstrainer vulg.)

 

Underhand Twist

The twisted end of a handlebar mustache that curves downward toward the jaw.

 

 

 

Mustaches Of The Nineteenth Century Special Report

Diseases of the Mustache

 

Mustache Wasting Disease

 

Mustache Concussion

 

Temporary Handlebar Weariness

 

Acute Follicular Seizure

 

Malformed Philtrum

 

 

 

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